It’s not dinner in the Cooper house without a question like “Mommy I have cookie now?” My 2.5-year-old loves ice cream cookies! We recently had ice cream cookies for 4th of July and he’s been obsessed ever since. If your child has eaten dessert before, I’m guessing that there is some variation of this question around your dinner table as well. Does the request for dessert derail the family meal? Have you ever wondered how to handle this situation? What happens in your house when you say, “You have to finish your dinner before dessert!”?
Popular (flawed) nutrition advice: limit the treat to special occasions only
Sugary treats are generally considered “unhealthy” and popular nutrition advice recommends that we limit our children’s intake of desserts that are high in sugar. The rationale behind this guidance is that sugar dense food could displace calories that instead could come from a nutrient dense food. A lot of nutrition information is formatted in its most extreme directive, assuming that the receiver of the advice will be unable to take the information and apply it exactly as it is stated. While this advice comes from a good place and generally tries to promote the health of our children, it can be counterproductive. Instead of parents walking away with a realistic and actionable recommendation, they disregard it as impossible to achieve. This advice also doesn’t work. According to a recent sugary food consumption survey, American children and adults are consuming the same amount of candy and dessert as they were almost 20 years ago (Liu et al., 2021).
Why this might backfire
If we teach our children that sugar should be avoided entirely, it becomes a “forbidden”. Unavoidably, our kids will come across sugar in their life. Try as we might, we won’t be there for every food decision our kid makes. Especially as kids head off to school and become more independent.
As parents we have the job of establishing our family's "food culture". I personally think of food culture as the attitudes, beliefs, and practices we set around food in our home. If the family food culture is to avoid all treats, kids will come to covet the limited amount of sugar we are exposing to them. They also won’t have tools to regulate their sugar intake because they are not exposed to sugar. This kind of avoidance strategy can lead to a distorted view of dessert and cause a child to binge treats when they are given access to them.
I also firmly believe, even as a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist, that food is much more than fuel for our cells. Food is one of life's simplest pleasures. Food is used to mark milestones, religious occasions, and holidays. For someone who has "a sweet tooth", if you take away dessert from the equation you are missing out on an opportunity to feel happiness and joy.
A more realistic and balanced food culture includes all foods: nutrient dense foods, culturally significant foods, and foods that just plain taste good. If our children grow up in a balanced food culture, where all foods fit and no foods are off limits, it's more realistic that our kids will grow up to carry on that tradition.
Pure joy when eating a hummus, veggies, and popsicle snack on a hot East Bay summer afternoon
Pressuring kids to eat doesn’t work
While it can be enticing to use treats as an end of meal incentive (e.g., "finish your broccoli and you can have dessert"), pressuring kids to eat can lead to consuming less nutrient dense foods in the long run. In a study conducted by Galloway et al., preschool age children were divided into two groups and given the same meal to eat. In the intervention group, kids were pressured to finish their food. The researchers compared consumption of the meals, both in the experiment and at home, noting that children who were coerced to finish their plate ate less healthy food and had a negative view of nutrient dense food (Galloway et al., 2006).
New approach: offer dessert with dinner on the same plate
Did you grow up in a house where your dessert was served after the meal? Then what I’m proposing might be extremely awkward! But I promise it will get easier and more natural. The “intervention”: give your child a balanced meal as you normally do but say nothing and include dessert. The first time you do this, your child might lose their mind with excitement, ask for more treats, and not touch the rest of their dinner. That’s okay! I would give your children as much dessert as they want in the beginning or set a clear boundary like “there are X cookies left then we’re all out of cookies for the night!”. After dessert has become normalized for your kid, they won’t view it as a special treat. You’ll notice over time that your kid will just eat all the food on their plate equally and dessert won’t be a big deal anymore! When this happens, party on the inside but be careful not to praise this positive change in your child’s eating habits. Food consumption needs to remain entirely neutral. You’ll find that children have a natural intuition for how much food they need to eat.
It can also be helpful to think about dessert consumption over the course of a lifetime, not just during a particular meal or even a day’s worth of calories. Because after all, nutrition behaviors are life long. Everyone needs to eat and will make choices everyday about the food they pick.
My son's highchair tray last night: salmon tacos, beans, and guac and his ice cream cookie
Taking this tip on the road: Help! Formal events? Eating at restaurants with other families? Grandparents have rules about dessert?
A parent’s responsibility, as explained by food therapist Ellyn Satter, is to set the menu, prepare the food, provide a safe comfortable environment to eat as a family, and allow your child to do the rest (Ellyn Satter Institute, 2022). Kids should control what they eat from their plate and how much they want to eat. When dining outside of the home, explain to your child in advance how the food environment is different than the one you provide at home. For example, you will not be able to serve dessert with the meal if you’re attending a wedding. If you level set this expectation to your child in the beginning, they can ask you questions and get comfortable with this idea. Explain to your child that this is a special event and there are certain traditions around dessert.
What do you think about serving dessert with dinner on the same plate? Did you give it a try? Did the idea of dessert being served with dinner stir up some uncomfortable thoughts for you about your relationship with dessert? I’m here to help you make peace with food through intuitive eating. Schedule a free 30-minute consultation using the link below!
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